Stealthing: removing the condom without consent, and what to do

What is stealthing?

Stealthing means removing the condom during sex, or piercing it, damaging it, or not putting it on when that was agreed, without the partner knowing or accepting. It’s much discussed in sex between men, particularly where bareback is glorified.

Why it’s serious

• It’s a breach of consent: your partner agreed to protected sex, not something else. Sexosafe reminds us, about abuse, that abusive behaviour is never acceptable, whatever the context.
• It’s a health risk: exposure to HIV (if you’re not on PrEP and the partner isn’t undetectable), STIs and hepatitis.
• It can be a criminal offence: in France a sexual act imposed by surprise can amount to sexual assault or rape. Service-public.fr sets out the steps for adult victims.

What to do if it happens to you

For your health, right away

1. Within 48 hours and you’re not on PrEP (or missed doses): go to A&E or a sexual health clinic for PEP. Ideally within 4 hours.
2. Get STI testing within 2 to 3 weeks, and an HIV lab test at 6 weeks (window period).
3. Watch for symptoms (discharge, burning, sores).

For you

• Keep messages with the person (app, texts): they may be useful.
• You can report it to the police; in France there’s also an Interior Ministry online platform.
• In France, 116 006 (victim support, free, 7 days a week) informs and supports you; Sida Info Service (0 800 840 800) answers prevention questions.
• Talking to a friend, a health professional or a charity helps you not carry it alone. See also after a sexual assault.

Protecting yourself beforehand

• PrEP protects you from HIV even if a partner cheats with the condom (PrEP).
• The internal condom lets the bottom control his own protection (condoms).
• Checking now and then that the condom is still on is nothing to be embarrassed about.

And if you’re tempted to do it: don’t. If you want sex without a condom, ask. The answer belongs to the other person as much as to you.